Monday, 17 December 2007

What If...?

You know when you get those questions that begin with “what if…?”

I don’t like them because they make me think too much about stuff that I don’t want to or know will not happen. But I am human and like everyone I think of them a lot – especially when I’m alone. When I’m not influenced by the thoughts or even mere presence of anyone else. My question tonight is one I think of more than I would like to.

What if I wasn’t here?

What if I just disappeared from the face of the earth in an instant. Or took myself away from the world on my own and left everyone I know and love behind. Then what… would I even be missed? Would it really effect anyone that much? Of course I know it probably would, but in what ways? I know a lot of people, some more than others – and some I used to know more than I do now…

I’m going home in a few days and apart from my family, I actually only really talk to one other person from back home these days and that… kind of hurts. There are people all over the country I’ve only met once or twice, if at all, that take more time to talk to me than people I’ve known and been close to my entire life up until a year ago. Distance is an awful thing and it’s stopped me from doing a lot in my life that I wish I could. Being with people, or just getting to know people… even knowing amazing people that I’m not aware exist.

If I left everyone behind, I always wonder who would show their face to my funeral… and how many of them would consider themselves my real friends? Who knows me well enough these days? I’m not sure I do… let alone anyone else. I’d never be able to leave, I’m far too much of a coward for that, but sometimes I get selfish enough to even consider the possibility. But I don’t think that’s a particularly bad thing… I think everyone has thoughts but that’s all they are, they come and go like any kind of idea. But knowing someone who’s actually gone through with it, does change your perspective on it… if they had something, or someone that drove them to it… surely there’s something in everyone which will allow them to do the same thing?

I wish I could put how I’m feeling right now into words. It’s like a mixture of home sickness and general worry about my life. Lord knows I’m struggling to keep my head above water these days with money, work, university… everything. I’m just so lonely. I live with two of the greatest people on this earth and I have the most incredible family anyone in this world could ask for. But still I feel so alone… and I don’t know why or how. Is it because I crave something a little more…?

I’m single. Big whoo. It’s never bothered me before, but then again I’ve never lived through so many sex noises and sickening displays of affection in my own living room in my life. I have or at least had given up on trying to find anything like that ever… and no less long distance. Like fuck was I ever going to do that again but then someone comes along who makes me doubt the principles I lay down… and now, as usual, I’m in a mess on the man front. A complete and total mess.

What if I wasn’t here…? Who cares. I am here… and to be honest, I wanna see the conclusion to this soap opera that my life has become. See if I can eventually do the things I want to…

Right now I just really want to go home. I just want to be around those I know do love me, and sort out the ones who might decide they do in the future for when I get back. I’m sticking around I’m afraid… so I have to ride this thing out… I just wish I didn’t feel so isolated while doing it…

I have to tell you something else; Teardrop by Newton Faulkner is the most beautiful song I have ever heard in my life...

Friday, 19 October 2007

Tomorrow's World? Tomorrow's Horseshit More Like!

'Dear Points of View; it's been three years now, and I'm no closer to owning a robotic housemate...'

Tonight has been a night where I wish I did have a robotic housemate. Tonight, has been... horrific. It is currenty 3:22am, and I tried sleeping approximately an hour and fortya
minutes ago. Thus far, I have been unsuccessful. Tonight has reminded me how appallingly shit it is to be single... if it's not people having simulated sex on the fucking sofa, then it's the real thing, poorly "dubbed out" by 80's music at two in the morning.

Amy is not a happy bunny, so do forgive the fatigued rant that will undoubtedly ensue. After all, it's what these things are here for right? I thought as much - plus, you can laugh at my misfortune... most others do. Bare with me one moment while I grab my duvet, I'm cold and this may take a while...

Okay, I return; now as you saw in my last post... I claimed to love 1 Oxford Road in all its idiotic glory. And I do... most of the time. But not tonight, tonight I would love to be anywhere but this living room right now... I am to sleep on the couch for the simple fact that it is not below the Student Union's latest love story, and so that I can't sleep in and not tidy up tomorrow for my relatives coming.

It's not a situation you should have to be in, within your own house. Nor should you be still seething at the fact you were verbally abused by a drunk arsehole that you'd never met in your life before, and for absolutely no reason. Apparently I am incredibly selfish, and have no real life. Yeah my housemate brought home quite a catch this time...

So instead I'm sat here, ranting my heart out in a blog that frankly, nobody reads. It's been a month since I last wrote anything in here, and I'll be honest not too much has changed aside from the fact that University has kicked me back into touch, but my sleeping pattern as you may well have guessed, has not adjusted itself accordingly. Amy runs on about four hours of sleep a day.

As you know, I've quit smoking too - and that's taken its toll on me, I'm coughing like a horrendous motherbitch. It isn't pretty, and I think it's a possible reason why I'm so irritable tonight. That and the fact that I feel so, so alone. I am nineteen years old, and in a few ways desperate to be in a relationship that I think might be "The" relationship and I'll be honest, I'm not sure if that's healthy or not. It gets me down, knowing that in all probability, "The" relationship doesn't exist... I often think I've found it, and it turns out to be bullshit. Story of my life eh...?

A big thing that neither of my housemates can seem to understand about me, is my reluctance and lack of confidence around members of the opposite sex. Apparently I attract attention, which I refuse to believe as anything more than a white lie made up to make me feel better about myself, but the fact is I'm not a person for "one night stands" i hate them infact. One of my housemates (I'm keeping them nameless for a reason here), asked me if I thought she was a slut for wanting a said one night stand. I answered her truthfully, when I replied with the word "No".

I may not agree that one night stands are the way to go to get any kind of satisfaction; I know I'm not everyone and most certainly I'm not a model to base yourself or your opinions on. Liking sex doesn't make anyone a slut, it simply makes their sex drive really high - mine isn't, but my romance drive, if there is such a thing, is really rather high. But I know which is easier to fulfill - clue: it isn't the romance one.

Which brings me back to my original grievance. I love both of my housemates dearly, but I don't appreciate their sexual exploits being shoved in my face. If said randomer wasn't such a prick I think I'd be a bit more forgiving.

But I refuse to be the person answering the door to angry neighbours who are sick of hearing The Human League on repeat.

Fuck. That.

It's now 4.20am, and I'm still not any closer to getting to sleep. I have an awful feeling this could turn into an all nighter, but for now I'll leave you all in peace.

Friday, 14 September 2007

'And God said let there be light; sponsored by Powergen...'

Jon Bonj, is a ledge.

allow me to explain...

Jon Bonj, is in fact Jon Bon Jovi; however during one of our many sessions infront of Music on Demand on the TV, Fran and I simultaneously commented on how we would 'do' Jon Bon Jovi, despite him before forty five years old. And What? He's damn good looking for his age... granted his look has not changed since 1983. This fact is irrelevant. And this turn in events, led on to one of Fran's immortal one-liners - "gotta love the Jon Bonj"

I love 1 Oxford Road, in all its idiotic glory.

Okay, so that's the light-hearted stuff out of the way; onto the heartfelt, [serious] bloggage.

This is my face, covered in freckles with the occasional spot and some veins.
This is my body, covered in skin, and not all of it you can see.

So here we go; another day, another objective look onto the self. With my mother desperate for me to slim down, and size zero culture now frightening the shit out of poor old me, I am faced with a question that I've not wanted to ask myself for years. Am I fine, the way I am? For years and years I have had all these issues with myself, be them physical or mental, and never have I really looked at myself in a mirror, or just thought about myself and thought. "You know what, I'm alright I am..."

And, this, is my mind, it goes over and over the same old lines
And, this, is my brain, it's torturous analytical thoughts make me go insane

Is it just a state of mind? Is it my actual opinion that, to quote My Chemical Toilet "I'm Not Okay" - or is it just that, my opinion of okay has changed throughout the past nineteen years. Want to know what I really think is happening? I didn't think I was alright, there was always going to be things I wanted to put right about myself, because I was too niave, or maybe too proud to admit, that there will always be ways that a human being can in fact make themselves better. Nobody, as they all say, is perfect.

And I use mouthwash...Sometimes I floss; I've got a family and I drink cups of tea
I've got nostalgic pavements; I've got familar faces
I've got mixed-up memories...and I've got favourite places.

And so while, I feel my quest to be the perfect person has come to an end, something bigger has begun. My quest to simply make myself a little bit better. I am, what you would call, a pretty normal person. Sure I have my issues, everyone does - but overall, I'm not that bad. I'm not hellbent on getting back into a relationship, and my tendency to get into long distance engagements has all but let me. So...my first step to becoming a better Amy Hall? I quit smoking. That's right readers, at approximately 9:14pm on 12th September 2007; I said goodbye to one of the ONLY things that has been constant in my life for the past three years, and also the one thing that has been what I label as my "dirty little secret" - because my parents, and a lot of my friends didn't know.

This is my face, I've got a thousand opinions and not the time to explain
And this is my body, and no matter how you try and disable it, yeah, I'll still be here

So that's the first step, and so far, I'm pretty fucking cool about the entire situation. It's a bit odd, but I know that this will save a few years off my life, and a lot of money. It's something I've been procrastinating over for a while, and now I find myself, once again broke, this is the time. It's a prelude to sorting something else that I've had a problem with in my life; Money. It is TIME to clear those fucking debts. So I've sorted all of my money out into what I need to pay and what's going back into that god damned overdraft. I am limiting nights out, and I'm getting myself back on track, financially and academically, despite the agonising wait for these FUCKING re-sit results.

And, this, is my mind, and although you try to infringe you cannot confine
And, this, is my brain, and even if you try and hold me back there's nothing that you can gain.

I find it something of a breakthrough for someone with as little self-esteem as me, to actually find it in herself to say that, I'm not too bad as a person. Sure, I make mistakes, I have a bit of a beer belly going on, I don't really think before I speak. But all in all, you could do a bit worse. I can be a twat when I want to be, but can't anyone? All I can do, is try to be the best me that I can...

And I'm singing uh oh on a Friday night and I hope everything's going to be alright...




And to finish it off; watch this, it's amazing.
Ed Byrne = <33

'Ed Byrne's Penis - 24%'

Thursday, 6 September 2007

loneliness

this is love calling earth...
do you know how much it hurts...?


so... er. yes... i'm not exactly sure how i feel, or what i want to say. but obviously i wanted to say something, because i created the damn thing. so here we go...

i didn't die overnight
in the wind i had candlelight...

for some reason, unknown to me nor anyone else. tonight. i feel completely and utterly alone. maybe it's just me with my niggling anxieties about my re-sit results, and my university future hanging in the balance. it is safe to say that i am absolutely terrified; not helped by the fact that i have neglected to tell my parents that i even failed an exam, let alone that it may affect whether or not i can carry on here. i have everything in leicester, a job, a house, my friends... and i'm on the brink of losing it all.

i'm controlled by my fear
and all the voices in my head that i can hear...

i'm just struggling to really understand what's what in my head. i need lots of space, but when i get it, i don't think about the things that matter. so what does matter? well... i'm not even too sure of that right now. i'm just completely lost in everything. sure i have my problems, but i am a stupid little girl who simply doesn't attack the problems, but hides them at the back of the wardrobe and lets them grow like bacteria til i can no longer ignore them before they kill me. am i really cut out for this university stuff? even a year on it's a question i can't answer. if i get in this year... things are changing. big time. there's a lot of changes in my life that have happened recently and that will need to happen in the future. i have so many goals for the new academic year, but i don't even know if i'll be able to even attempt at achieving them. that frightens me. a lot.

please don't hurt me...

i find myself, once again single. and it spells the absolute end to any long distance relationship that may or may not happen again - it's as simple as that. i no longer have the faith in long distance love. i was in love with someone that it turned out, i simply did not know. it was no fault of anyone's. no blame is to be taken. but right now, being single... and in a lot of respects. alone. in a way though, i think, in the long run it's a lot better for me to be alone.

how do i learn
to give love from being loved in return...?

for now, i'm going to remain as optimistic as possible in regards to these results and my life in general. i'm pretty sure it gets better from here on in, and as this agonising wait continues, i must stay strong and positive that i can do this. that second year is waiting for me, and that the quest for love and acceptance maybe isn't as important as i thought it once was. for once, i'm going to be known as amy. and not somebody else's girlfriend. just like ed byrne said, as soon as you get a boyfriend you're no longer a person, you're one half of a couple. and okay maybe that's not a bad thing at all, but still... maybe now it is just me. maybe i can find out who i really am, and not how i want to impress the person i'm with.

if this is heaven i'm falling...
i'd rather jump and run away than see it burn.